What do you do when your identity is so closely tied to someone else and then you end up by yourself? Once you were a wife, husband, girlfriend or boyfriend…. Now you are solo and just… you. Who is that?
Typically in unhealthy relationships the couple are so intertwined with each other that, for at least one of them, it is almost impossible to think of being without their partner. So when they are actually alone, there is a tremendous void in their life. Even if the partner was abusive and toxic.
We get so used to living for our partner that it can feel empty and aimless once that dynamic is gone. Humans are used to patterns and habits. If the pattern changes and the habits have to change, then we have a “withdrawal” from what we know. It’s basically like an addiction. We can become addicted to the abuse and toxicity without realizing it.
As much as we want to be free of the unhealthy cycle, once it is gone…. We don’t know what to do. That is very common and if you’ve experienced that, know that it’s normal. Also know that once you start adopting new habits and healthy behaviors, that it will get easier. It’s a step by step process that takes time.
Start looking for healthy alternatives to unhealthy habits. Finding a support group is a great way to learn healthy ways to relate and heal. If physical or sexual abuse was a factor in your relationship, there are support groups for that. There are also support groups for codependency. AA, NA or Al-Anon are groups available for drug or alcohol abuse.
Please know that you aren’t alone in your healing process. It’s ok to reach out for help and support. You can get through this and there is hope. As you heal, you will discover so much more about yourself and you will have the opportunity to step into who you’ve always wanted to be.
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