Most of us have heard about how our body naturally reacts to a threatening situation. When faced with a stressful or traumatic situation, your brain and autonomic nervous system (ANS) reacts by releasing a flood of cortisol (stress hormone) and adrenaline.
We experience what is typically called the Fight, Flight, Freeze response.
I’d like to introduce to you a fourth response that was identified by psychotherapist Pete Walker.
The “Fawn” response. It is a subtle coping skill that relies on trying to keep your threat calm or attempting to please them so that they will be less likely to hurt you or others. It’s done at the expense of your own emotions, body autonomy and boundaries.
It could look like: doing what they tell you to do (even when you don’t want to), in order to avoid or to lessen the damage of them breaking your things, hitting you, hitting others or even hurting themselves.
It could look like ignoring your own needs in order to take care of their needs instead. If they start escalating threats, you could try to calm them down by making promises or constantly reassuring them until the threat passes.
This is a common response to childhood trauma and abuse. The child learns early on how to “people please” and comply with their abuser in order to avoid getting further hurt. They then can grow up being people pleasing adults with tendencies towards codependent relationships.
If this is something that you’ve experienced, please know that you are not alone. If you have a therapist, coach or counselor, it may be worth it to discuss with them your experiences of it. If you do not have someone who is trauma informed that you can talk to, there are free helplines available to connect with someone who can support you. If you’ve ever experienced abuse and would like support, https://www.thehotline.org/ can support you 24/7 via phone, text or chat online.
If you have questions or would like to talk, I am also available. I am an abuse survivor, trauma informed advocate for survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault, as well as an empowered healing coach. I’ve lived it, I got out, I’ve learned, I’m healing and now I support others on their own healing journey.
Take a deep breath…. Know that you are supported. You are loved. And you are worth it.
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