When a relationship is toxic, it is very common for the person on the receiving end of abuse to stop speaking up and using their voice. In order to stop “making waves” and an effort to not “set off” the abuser’s anger, we tend to say and do anything we can so that they won’t be angry. There is a lot of tiptoeing around issues and a lot of appeasing the abuser- even when it goes against our own values and feelings.
As a result, when we finally do leave the abuse, start to speak our minds and tell our story, it can surprise people. They had no idea that’s how we felt or what we experienced, because we projected a totally different image to our abuser and everyone else. What they tend to not realize is that we did it in order to survive. It was an attempt to stay safe. Unfortunately, it can backfire because some people won’t believe us when we finally do expose the truth. The abuser can accuse us of being a liar. Because they remember us going along with whatever they did. They can paint us in a bad light because they discovered we weren’t actually happy in the relationship and think that we are the manipulators. They seem to forget all of the tears and begging for the fighting and pain to stop.
So once we are free, it can be hard to speak our truth without worrying about any kind of backlash- especially from our abuser. It will upset them that we are talking about it. They can accuse us of “talking shit.” They can feel hurt that we are “attacking” them. They don’t want people to know what happened or what we experienced. They don’t want to think of themselves as an abuser. We are so used to keeping everything inside, that it can be tempting to close back down and keep it all to ourselves, yet again.
If this describes you…. Is it really serving you? Is that really going to help you heal? If you continue to feel stifled even after getting away, how can you move on? In my experience, you can’t. If you are too concerned about your abuser’s reaction to what you say and then limit yourself so that they don’t get upset, it will affect how you heal. Sure, you can still make significant progress. But you won’t be able to fully heal. Remember: no one can tell you that you can’t talk about your experience.
Let’s be clear that there is a big difference between talking about it in order to makes sense of it and to heal (as well as to help others who have or are going through similar experiences) and intentionally going out of your way for a public smear campaign to try to get revenge for the way you were treated. Yes, they should be held accountable by the law for the abuses done to you and that is public record. Or maybe you didn’t press charges against them and just left, moving on with your life. Either way, I know it may be tempting to angrily shout from the rooftop and point them out by name so that other people can steer clear of them. But going down that road will keep you stuck in an unhealthy cycle of focusing on them. The healing process is about you. And if helping other people is part of your healing process, go for it. It is about you healing together to move forward.
Some people may wonder how continuing to talk about abuse experiences can help to heal and move on. Doesn’t it keep you stuck in the past? Done right, it can most definitely help heal because you can start seeing unhealthy patterns over the course of the relationship. As you speak the words out loud, it can shine light on something you never noticed before. As the healing process continues, what you couldn’t see 6 months ago- now all of a sudden you can see it and make more sense of what happened. It helps you recognize what not to do in the future and what to look out for. Newly out of it, all of that is skewed…. But years down the road, you are wiser and understand so much more. Especially in a relationship that was many years of your life. It takes time to sort through it all.
In my experience, when I see or hear of someone going through something similar, I can’t help but want to talk to them about what I have gone through in the hopes that it will help them. And that’s not to say it’s because I want to go over all the gory details of my life. That isn’t it at all. I mostly discuss what helped me to get out and to heal. I believe everything I have gone through is for a reason and that reason is to help others. I have always been wired to help and to nurture people. And so I do. It is not because I want to continue to relive my hurt. I have worked so long on my healing, I don’t have the raw emotional response that I used to when talking about my experiences. That’s how I know I am in a good place to help others. Because I am no longer wallowing or struggling in those experiences. That takes time and active healing work. And it’s possible. It’s not easy and I won’t ever pretend that it is. But I have finally found my voice. And having that freedom is a beautiful thing!
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