When it comes to Generational Trauma, there is so much to unpack. Each family is different, with different issues. Each family member within that family unit has their own responses to the family issues. The dynamic between each family member is unique and no one’s experience is exactly the same with another member of the family.
So what exactly IS Generational Trauma? Simply put, it is some sort of trauma that affects the family as a whole. That can look a lot of different ways.
It could be:
Addiction
Physical abuse
Emotional abuse
Sexual abuse
Financial abuse
Spiritual abuse
Psychological abuse
It can also be:
Poverty
War
Cults
Cultural oppression
Gabor Mate is an expert on this topic and I highly recommend that you check out all of the information he has available. He has written several books, done plenty of podcasts and interviews and can be found on Youtube, as well as social media like Instagram and Facebook, just to name a few.
What I’d like to share with you today is what it could look like when you are on your healing journey within the Generational Trauma dynamic.
Let’s take domestic violence for example. If you experience domestic violence within your household while growing up, it affects the wiring of your brain, how you view yourself, how you view the world, your personality, your attachment style and the partners you choose, as well as your long term health.
Chances are, your primary caregivers had experienced some sort of trauma within their family growing up, so on and so forth, going back for an unknown amount of generations. Each layer of trauma has been passed down to the next generation, to be wired into the DNA (that’s the study of Epigenetics, which shows how trauma can change your cells and gene activity).
So now here you are, affected long term by trauma and most likely a bit jaded about the world. You may also have a child (or children) that is reactive to the Generational Trauma within the family dynamics.
You see what needs to be healed within yourself and your family. You are doing the work on yourself. You may have done counseling, coaching, communication practices, trauma releases, breathwork, meditation, religious practices, yoga, mindfulness…. The list goes on.
All of that is great and can be helpful on your healing journey. And at some point, you will notice that while you are doing “all the things,” there are other family members that may not be doing anything to heal their Generational Trauma wounds. That can be frustrating and even heartbreaking.
I get it and I’ve been there. Actually, I’m still there. I finally realized that no amount of talking, bribing, coaxing, etc, can get someone to decide for themselves that doing the healing work would be helpful for them.
So where does that leave you? Doing the only thing you can: Focused on your own healing work. All you have control over, is doing whatever you decide is best for you. By doing your own healing, THAT is the way to help heal your branch of the family tree.
It’s important to recognize that each member is responsible for their own branch of the family tree. And yes, that also includes your children. When they are really young, you have more input and can influence them a lot more. When they are teenagers, they are already in the natural progression of finding their independence and breaking away from their parents. You may find that they give a lot more pushback. When they are adults living on their own, you will have even less input. Which can be heartbreaking when you want the best for them and you are witnessing them in programmed trauma responses that’s affecting their lives in a negative way. When you find things that work for you, you may want to shout it from the rooftops and share it with them. Which might just make them want to do the opposite, leaving you confused.
Bottom line: You do you. Focus on your own healing and personal growth. Be the example. That is all you have control over. This is a practice of learning to let go of our expectations of others, which can be especially hard with your children.
But it is necessary. Maybe one day, after they see your long term and consistent growth, along with the differences between healthy and toxic behaviors within the family, they may become curious about what you are doing. Or they may not. The point is, don’t focus on them, and remind yourself (as many times as you need to) that they are on their own life path. You have your personal path and no matter what anyone else decides, you get to do whatever it takes to accomplish it for yourself. And have a little bit of faith that it will all work out.
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