What is love bombing? I’ll give examples of what it can look like and then discuss what you can do about it.
-Moving too fast in a relationship: Your new partner says “I love you” within weeks or even days. They’re constantly checking in on you. They want to be with you all of the time. They want to move in together right away, attempting to convince you of all the reasons why it should happen and how it makes sense. Telling you that you’re their soulmate or their “person”. They give you more attention than you’ve ever received from someone right away. The relationship seems “too” perfect.
-Not respecting personal boundaries: Continuing to poke at your boundaries. Joking about it at first while continuing to push your boundaries until you relent. It could be all in the name of “communication” or wanting to be closer to you. Or trying to “teach” you because what you are doing isn’t “right” and they “know better”.
-Intense amount of communication: Communication overload and/or feeling overwhelmed by the amount of communication required to be with them. It’s justified in the quest to be close to you, to understand and to connect with you. They bend the truth, saying what they think you want to hear.
-Intense amount of public displays of affection: Overly showing the world just how much they are into you. Shouting from the rooftops about how perfect you are for each other. How you are so much better than anyone else that they’ve been with. Putting you on the spot in order for you to reciprocate those feelings in a public forum. You can feel pressured to meet the affection demands that they require, even if you don’t want to at the moment.
-Makes you feel like you can be and do better: Not in the normal self-talk of, “Wow, I really want to step up and be a better person” kind of way. It’s in the form of complimenting you, then they will subtly criticize something about you so they can “help” you become better. Which makes them the more “enlightened” one in your eyes. They can make you feel like you did something wrong when you haven’t, which then leads to gaslighting you into questioning yourself.
-Hook, line and sinker: They present to you and the public such an idealized version of themselves. It boosts their ego to see how fast that you have fallen for them. Once you are vulnerable, trusting and hooked, that’s when the manipulation is really enhanced. They now have your heart, your mind and you’ve started to question your own perception of yourself and reality. Their behavior towards you continues to shift. Whereas before, they romanticized you and put you on a pedestal, now all of a sudden you can’t seem to do anything right in their eyes.
-Keep you guessing: They start withdrawing from the relationship, or make negative comments about it to keep you guessing about the relationship status with them. It’s like walking on eggshells trying to keep them happy and the relationship intact.
-Gifts with stipulations and strings attached: Guilting or reminding you of all that they have done for you. If they do something for you or give you something, you feel like you need to compensate for it in some way.
So what exactly is love bombing? It is psychological manipulation and emotional abuse.
If you see similarities between your relationship and the explanations listed above, and are questioning if perhaps you are being love bombed, you can have a conversation with your partner to express your unease and establish boundaries with them (if you feel safe enough to do so).
You can tell a lot about them based on their reaction. If they respect your boundaries and stop pushing you to violate those boundaries, then that can be a good sign that maybe they were just overzealous because they are excited about the new relationship.
Are they willing to listen to you and understand where you are coming from without disregarding or minimizing your perspective? If they criticize your point of view, disregard it, tell you that you are overreacting or use it as a way to tell you that you need to work on your issues and that they are the ones that can help you do that…. Really stop and do a gut check to see if this relationship truly FEELS right to you.
Many times, when our bodies are immersed with the love hormones that bond us to another person (new sexual partners create a potent cocktail of love hormones that flood our brain), we overlook and dismiss the warning signals that our gut is trying to get our attention with. It can feel like this relationship is truly expansive and deep. That it’s on a different level than you’ve ever experienced before. And while that could be true…. Keep in mind, you are having those warning bells for a reason. There is a part of our subconscious mind that is catching the telltale signs that the person is unknowingly giving us.
While jumping into the pool’s deep end of a “love bomber” can feel amazing, please know that it isn’t sustainable, it won’t last and it’s ultimately toxic. It is your choice as to how you want your relationships to feel and what your boundaries are. You need to know that the longer you are with someone who love bombs, the harder it is to see the signs clearly and the harder it is to get out.
If you notice there is something deep inside your gut (no matter how small or subtle that voice may be) telling you that something is “off” and your partner continually minimizes your boundary requests or somehow finds a way to turn your boundaries back on you, then you get to take some time to really be honest with yourself about this relationship.
Turn to a trusted friend or mentor who knows you well and share with them your concerns. You can even talk to a few to get a general idea of what people on the “outside” are noticing. It can be really hard to see issues when we are “in it” and it can help to get someone else’s perspective, that isn’t blinded by the flood of hormones like we may be experiencing.
Another great option for you is to reach out to someone who is trauma informed. Someone trained to spot the warning signs of love bombing, like a domestic violence advocate, a therapist or trauma informed coach. They are not emotionally invested in your personal situation like you (or your friends) are and can clearly see what is and isn’t a manipulation tactic.
There is support available for you. You do not have to go through this alone. If you have any questions for me about this, feel free to reach out.
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