Mother

The years blur together. Time has no beginning or end. Half the time she doesn’t know what day of the week it is. She says this is retirement; getting lost in time. Our time spent together is precious because it never feels like enough. It feels good to see her relax a bit, to see her smile and listen to her talk. My home is her second home. My heart is part of her heart.

She is my mother. I have spent my lifetime loving her. Wanting to protect her. Wanting to save her. Wanting to see her peaceful and happy. Wanting to see her loved and treated with respect in her relationship. Only to realize that I can’t do that for her. She has to want it enough to stand up and get it for herself. Meanwhile, I am still here in support whenever she is ready.

It’s been hard to watch all of these years. My experiences with her have fueled my drive to help others. It’s ironic that I can help so many other people, inspire them, guide them, empower them… and she, the one I want to help the most in this world remains stuck. I have to keep reminding myself that I can change no one but myself. It’s not my job to change her. It’s my job to love her. This has been one of the biggest and longest ongoing lessons in my life.

I have clawed my way up from the depths of abuse, that started with my father and shaped my life. I have worked so hard to be free of the family chains of toxicity. Yet it still affects me. Despite everything that I have managed to create in my personal life, I continue to watch the unhealthy dynamic between my parents. The weight of their chains still hurts to see. But I use it as motivation to keep moving forward in my life’s mission and to keep making progress in my healing.

Yes, there are days that I still struggle. Sometimes it’s hard to see past my frustration. The love I have for my father is complicated. It’s of a child longing for healing and love. It’s also knowing that it will never happen how I want it to. He is chained to the depths of his family’s disfunction and never saw a way out of it. So he repeats the generational pattern. The pattern I am determined to break. So there will always be conflict.

My mother is also chained to her family’s disfunction. She was taught to never question or speak up. To do what the man of the house wants and to stick things out no matter what. As a result, she is a shell of a woman. She doesn’t know what she wants or what she likes. Because everything is about him. She was never really allowed to dream. Whatever dreams she had in her youth, died long ago. It breaks my heart when I see the blankness on her face when I ask her what she wants and she says she doesn’t know.

It’s painful to see these two lives that have wasted away in toxic pain. Broken children who grew up not knowing that there was another choice for them. Who blindly followed the patterns given to them. Part of it is generational. Back then there weren’t the resources that there are today to help them. I am thankful that it’s available for me and my children. Though it is also available for my parents now, despite them feeling like it’s too late for them. It’s never too late. As long as there is still breath in our body, there is still hope for a happier life. There is still hope for change. We just have to want it and go for it, even if it’s scary and uncomfortable to step outside of what we know.

So I try my best to walk the line of loving daughter and advocate. Being supportive and offering resources and information that can help my mother if she chooses. I advocate for healing, freedom and change. While loving her through her life’s journey, no matter what it looks like. No matter what she chooses. Learning to love and to let go. Learning to support without expectation. Unconditional love is quite a ride. One that I will always choose for my mother.

For without her, I wouldn’t be who I am today. Everything happens for a reason. My purpose is to break the family chains. To give my children the life and hope that I (and my mother) wanted while growing up. It hasn’t been easy. But it’s been worth it. Seeing my children thrive has made all of this worth it. Because they are the future and it’s beautifully bright.