October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. Another term, Intimate Partner Violence, is gaining momentum. Why is this important enough to have a whole month of awareness dedicated to it?
Domestic violence covers a broad spectrum of behaviors that are not just physical violence. It’s important to have the conversation about everything it includes. People can be in an abusive relationship and they just don’t realize it.
How can someone not know they are being abused? To people on the outside of the relationship, who have never been in, or have never seen how an abusive relationship can start and slowly shift, it can be confusing.
The thing is, the relationship doesn’t start off abusive. In the beginning, it’s filled with all the things you are looking for. Your partner can meet all of your needs and then some. A very common thing that happens is called love bombing.
What is love bombing? It’s when your partner comes on really strong. They attach to you right away and tell you things such as, “We are soul mates.” “I knew from the moment I met you that we are meant for each other.” Or they will try to move in together right away. They tell you that they love you early in the relationship. They find out the things that you like and they may “like” all of it too. They want to be with you all of the time. They can seem like the perfect package. At first.
Then somewhere along the line, it starts to shift. They will start being more critical of you, your friends and your family. They will start to isolate you from them because they will find something wrong with each person. All in the interest of “protecting” you from them. Because they love you. And you believe it. When they see that you are listening to them and spending less time away from them, they just continue subtle toxic behaviors.
Soon you may start to doubt yourself. You may feel not as attractive because they may start picking apart the way you look, the way you dress, your weight, your hair, your body odor, etc. They may tell you that no one else will love you like they do. That you are lucky to have them. They may call you names. Make fun of you and then say they are just joking and that you are too sensitive. Your confidence may deteriorate, you aren’t sure why and you can’t really put a finger on when that started to go away.
They may start going back on their word, they may degrade you, they may blame you and after all of these moments, they will apologize and promise to do better. They may love bomb you with gifts, trips, physical affection…. Anything that can get you to feel better so that they can stay with you. At this point, they know you are emotionally attached and they will escalate.
They may start breaking your things. They may threaten to harm (or kill) themselves or others. They may berate and belittle you. They may withhold and/or control finances. They may tell you that God won’t forgive you, or that you need to do what they say because of some religious teaching that they twist to their advantage. They may tell you that you can’t say no to sex with them. They may use threats to control you. They may use the children to control you. They may parent alienate the children against you. You may spend your time trying to calm them down and doing what they want, just so there will be peace.
You become afraid of what they will say and/or do, so you start changing your own behavior and personality to appease them. It feels like you are walking on eggshells around them, worried about the next thing that might set them off. You stop going out with friends and family just to avoid the argument that inevitably happens when you do.
All of these example are just a few ways to describe what happens in an abusive relationship. Did you notice, that none of what was described, involved physical violence that visibly caused damage to the other person? But all examples can certainly damage the emotional and mental wellbeing of the other person.
It can get to the point that you realize you are just a shell of what you remember yourself being before you met the abuser. And if all you know of domestic violence is the image of a woman with a black eye and that isn’t your experience…. Then how would you know that what you are experiencing is actually domestic violence?
It can be easy to dismiss their behavior as just having “an anger problem,” or that they have a “temper.” Or maybe they tell you that they have a “crazy” or “slutty” ex which is an excuse for their insecurities and behavior. That it’s because of their ex that they act the way that they do.
Is it really all or any of those reasons? Or are they actually toxic and/or abusive?
It’s helpful to look at the Power and Control Wheel (click this link which will take you to it: https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/)and see if you notice any patterns of the behaviors listed on it. If you do, know that these behaviors are not healthy and that there is help for you as you come to understand the relationship dynamic you are in. You are not alone and there is support available for you.
For 24/7 support you can contact:
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish and 200+ through interpretation service
800-799-7233
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