Being told we are “less than,” incompetent, ugly, not worthy, stupid, broken, incomplete, too this or too that… whatever it is that has echoed and haunted you for years and kept you small- those are all LIES. Lies designed to keep you in a cage of self doubt with bars of unworthiness and locks of fear. If you are locked in insecurity, doubts and fears, then you are controllable.
Whoever it is in your life that has repeatedly held you down (literally and/or figuratively), spewing hate and ignorance at you, knocking down your sense of self and worthiness, they are doing anything they can in an attempt to control you. If you try and do something outside of the cage that they are trying to keep you in, they will undermine everything you are trying to do to better yourself. All while disguising it as “love” or ”concern” or “support” or…. fill in any other word that fits how they are manipulating the situation to fit their narrative. In some cases they might actually believe it to be true. They might not actually see their destructive behavior as toxic. Maybe they were raised to see love as these things and think they are trying to help you.
Whatever their reasoning is, isn’t really the point right now. It’s the effect that it has on you and how you view life that is what we must look at. How are their words and actions affecting how you are showing up in the world? How do you view yourself after talking to them? If you feel deflated, defeated, unworthy, scared, fearful, depressed, pointless, like giving up or anything else along those lines, then you are being kept in a cage of lies. As humans, we have a tendency to hand over the keys to our life to other people and we don’t even realize it. After a while, we can’t see life as any other way. We are miserable and don’t see a way out and accept our “fate.”
Even when we do finally manage to get away from the toxic person, what happens then? We will have all the negative, toxic slop that they hurled at us, echoing for YEARS in our heads, which makes it hard to move on and rebuild. That person still holds our keys to the cage. It’s like the door of the cage is open, yet we are still sitting inside of it, occasionally poking our heads out and looking around, getting overwhelmed at the new possibilities (that feel like fear and risk of the unknown) and then we retreat back into the cage of what we know. It’s familiar and we already know what we are dealing with. So we stay. For way too long.
I know that I am not the only one that has struggled with this. Neither are you. Hello, I am Zen, and I know this cage well. I’m scared as hell to walk out of it. But I’m also scared of the idea of staying in it. So what do I do? I am learning to step out afraid. I’ve spent literally my whole life in fear. Usually at the hands or the words of someone else. The last few years, as I’ve been working on my healing, I’ve been battling my own fears. So if I am going to be afraid, why not be afraid taking a risk in my life that will benefit me and help me grow? Maybe it will work. Maybe it won’t. But I do know that I won’t go anywhere stuck in this cage that others have built for me, which I have continued to live in. To have true freedom from my oppressors and learn to step into who I am, live my truth, learn to trust myself and my wisdom is truly priceless.
I will shake as I speak. My knees will wobble as I stand. I will cry as I learn to stretch. I will doubt myself and my abilities. I will want to hide as I am being seen. I will do it all afraid. But learning to step out in the face of fear, to trust myself as I lean into it, is the definition of courage. Being afraid and doing it anyways is the way that I (and you) will grow.
Know that as you are growing and stretching, I will be too. Neither of us is alone. We are never alone. We have support. We have love and together we will get through this and help each other along the way.
Now is your time. It’s time to step up and be fierce in the face of fear. It’s time to say YES to yourself and your vision for your life. The time is NOW because we aren’t guaranteed more time. Break those shackles, open the cage doors and throw away those locks.
Remember to be kind to yourself as you do. Know that it takes time and you will have bad days along with the good. Just stay focused on your vision and goals and keep moving forward, no matter how slowly. The fear will lessen as you build confidence through experience. You are stronger that you realize. Focus on your strengths and know that everything you have experienced is working FOR you. Turn your pain into purpose. You got this!
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