Run! Hide! Be quiet- don’t let them hear you! Look away- don’t make eye contact! Be as small, as quiet and “less than,” as you possibly can. Don’t be seen. Don’t be heard. Learn to blend in and not stand out….
This is the life of someone being abused. As a child, this shapes your entire world view. This shapes your personality. That “shy” kid…. Maybe they just learned not to speak their mind. Maybe they learned it’s easier to blend into the background. They’ve learned to not make waves and not be seen. They’ve learned to be an observer- scope out the situation to know if it’s safe or not. I know it was that way for me. I then married into the same dynamic. It took years to get out. In total, thirty four and a half years of living like that…. Pretty ingrained, right?
My excuses for not stepping up and out: “I’m shy. I’ve always been shy. This is who I am.” But is that the truth? Is that truly who I am? Or who I was taught to be? Who I learned to be to stay “safe?” I’ve heard plenty of people say to “go back to when you were a carefree kid and remember who you were and bring that back to your life.”
…But what if you can’t? What if there was never truly a carefree time that you can remember? What if your earliest memories were of living in fear? “Flight or flight” mode always on? What then?
If you are currently living in a safe place and aren’t being abused, that is great. That’s an important step to healing. If you are not living in a safe place and are being abused, know that you don’t have to live that way. Being safe and happy is an option for you. There are resources that can help you and you can get out.
Once you’ve made that step to get out and be free…. It can still be scary…. “Now what?” All of a sudden everything is different. The silence can be deafening. The body is still waiting for an attack that inevitably comes. The echoes of insults and threats still radiate in your head.
It takes time. It takes therapy and support to get through those tough times. But it does get better. Through all that…. You are still left with the question: “Who am I?”
How do you answer that? Stripping away all the years of someone else telling you who to be, what to act like, what to do…. Is any of that you? How do you find the core of who you are through the static of abuse?
Journaling is a great way to get your thoughts out and sort through all of your experiences. Start listing all of the things that bring you joy. Whether it’s something as simple as a color, listening to someone’s laugh….. Or hobbies, sports, or even relaxing in a bubble bath. Find a way to incorporate these things into your life at least once a week. Then, a few times a week…. Then, once a day. Over time, you will learn more about yourself on your own terms. Life won’t always feel like you’re in survival mode.
The beautiful thing about today is that you are in control. You have the ability to decide who you are and what lights you up. You have the choice to decide how you want to live your life. It’s ok to use your voice. It’s ok to stand up for yourself. It’s ok to live on your own terms. No one has the right to dictate any of that. So today is your day! How do you choose to live it?
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